I am a Workaholic


I have not had enough of that in my life recently.

With my injury and working extra hard to get back into physical shape while helping the marketing department out in Ballet Austin, I can exhaust myself without a break. No rest. Just going. I have loved what I am pursuing recently and even experiencing the craziness of South by Southwest. In doing so much, I have run away from my practice of meditation and stillness.

It was the afternoon of Easter, and I was sitting outside on the water eating brunch with a few friends. We just sat for a bit and took in the beauty of the day and calmness of the water. I realized that I had not done that in forever- just sit. If I am sitting, I am either working on my laptop, biking for my workout, or driving to an appointment. I have not sat down to just stop and rest for a moment. 

Today, after being inspired by the calmness of yesterday, I went out to paddleboard on the river here in Austin. I have never been paddleboarding, so that was fun and also terrifying because the wind happened to be very strong today... I almost blew over a few times. In between the craziness of trying to stay balanced and get back to where I started, I just focused on my breath and paddling. I was able to empty my mind for a bit. For the first time in a long time, I was not consumed with a million thoughts in one second about my life or other people. It was me and the paddleboard. It was special. It was relaxing. 

I am a workaholic. It can get nasty. I can obsess over one thing and spend hours and throw away responsibilities of my mental health. Do I accomplish a lot? Yes, but at what cost? Is it worth doing lots of things but losing yourself in the midst of it all? Stillness and silence put everything that we are doing in perspective. Meditation allows us to get away from being so up close to our lives and back away from life for a moment. I am not suggesting running away from life, but in fact, taking a rest for a moment. No one would ever want to watch a movie that is just a close-up angle for an hour and a half. The audience wants to see a balance of pictures and perspectives in a film. No one wants to listen to a speaker speak in a monotone voice. Sometimes in life, I can only have one angle or tone. I can comfortably live life without balance. 

I am not expert at how to meditate, but I speak from my need for it. I did not know I needed rest. I do not allow myself rest- I only move. Hopefully, even if it is for a few minutes a day, I can pursue this silence. A few minutes a day is better than no minutes at all.

Do you meditate or feel silence? How do you rest? I need help- let me know what works and does not work for you.