When it comes to self-worth, I struggle.
Most people may see me as a hard worker, which in some ways is true but why I am working hard can sometimes come from a place of insecurity. Yes, everyone needs to work hard to be great at something, but this is different. I am talking about not believing I am good enough that, in turn, just try to stuff myself with more work and projects in hopes that I will earn some self-worth trophy.
In doing all of these projects and work, I do not focus on myself, but in fact, I run away from myself. I run away from dealing with the real reasons why I am hurt and feeling the need to escape from myself.
Last week I wrote about being proud of your story. To be honest, I can, at times, have a jaded view of how I look at my story. Sometimes I look at the parts where nothing has gone my way, and then I will project those parts to my future. I beat myself up about the future not working and me being a failure.
But guess what?
That is not my story. My story is not of failure. My story is of courage. I bought a one-way ticket to Seattle right after high school. I got the position in Seattle and moved across the country to chase my dreams. I gave up a nice university with a good-size scholarship to dance professionally and live my dreams. At times, I felt alone, and I had to make tough decisions, but now I am living my dreams. And that IS an incredible story.
On a personal level, I am working on thinking of myself as a person of courage and confidence, not of pain and suffering. My confidence has been crippled in a lot of ways. I wrote a whole post about the question, am I good enough? I am currently trying to focus on myself instead of running away from myself. I am trying to find small victories in my daily life. One day, I let myself watch one Netflix episode. That sounds like nothing, but I have been so hyperactive, that I have not watched any show on Netflix in MONTHS because I have been telling myself I am wasting away time if I watch Netflix. That is crazy talk - but that is how my mind has thought for a while.
Breaking these thought structures is hard. Plain. And. Simple.
Sometimes the process of therapy and working on myself has been frustrating.
Change takes time (RULE 111).
Your greatest enemy is yourself (RULE 112). If we do not work on ourselves, then we can destroy ourselves just by our very own thoughts.
I am so thankful to have people in my life who are willing to fight for me and with me when at times I want to give up. I am grateful to have resources to find the help that I need. I am thankful for all the support. At the end of the day, Jesus' sacrifice makes me whole. Yes, I need to restructure my mindset and how I view myself, but without allowing God's grace to be grace, I will never feel whole. I am sufficient because of God, not by my works.
Reach out if you are hurting. Reach out if your confidence is crippled.
You are worth everything.
I know for some people, you may think that I am lying. I am right there with you.
BUT
I want to fight with you to help you realize that we all are amazing and deserve love... and a Netflix episode or two.