A Lack of Depth
I left for Seattle at the beginning of July and it is almost the beginning of November. It has been FOUR months since I have been home in Boston. To be honest, I do not know what homesickness feels like and maybe what I feel now is homesickness, but I do not really miss home, I just miss the depth of my friendships.
I love Seattle and everything about living here to dance. I do not regret one thing since I have been out here. I also love the people that I am around all day, but that is why my feeling is weird to me. Everything here in Seattle is going great, yet I feel like I am missing something. Back home I had friendships that were years old, and some my whole life. Pretty much all of my relationships with all my friends in Seattle are at the most four months old. Of course you have to start somewhere with a friendship, but I am seeing the reality of totally starting over with all my friend groups.
When I first left, I was googly-eyed about meeting all these people, but as time has past, I realized I miss the depth of my friendships. As I left, I thought I would be able to keep up with all my friends, but I realized that this desire to stay in touch with everyone is physically impossible and I have to come to grips with that hard fact. With four months into my journey, I feel that I am in limbo between depth and a lack of depth with relationships which is really hard.
The hardest part of this feeling is that I cannot change anything, all I can do is wait. Relationships take time (RULE 28), but no one wants to wait in limbo between transitioning in one's relationships. This is the first time in my life that I am transitioning and I am experiencing emotions that I have never felt. I think writing this post is helping me to shape my emotions. To be honest, I think everything is going really well, but in the back of my mind I have this subtle, weird emotional thing happening. It is only a matter of time, but it will get better.