Adulting is Hard

Adulting- this is my term I use when I talk to my dad about essential life matters usually dealing with laws, rights, and money. 

Recently, adulting has been tough for me. This past October has been a rough month. I have never been a person to fake what I am going through in life. I try to be transparent to those around me. I pride myself on being open.

So here goes me being open about my life.

Over this past month or so, I have had fleas in my apartment, a sub-par love life, feelings of loneliness, a lack of creativity, and my car stopped working. Oh and yesterday, I got in a terrible car accident. 

When someone asks me how life is going, I have been saying alright and listing the above. It shocks some people which makes me laugh because this is life. This is real life. No one has a perfect life. No one has a stable life. There is something always going on, and if you do not agree, I would argue that you are pushing away realities of your life. Life can be great for sure, I am not trying to be negative, but I also do not want to be a phony when I answer that question- how are you doing? I think people are shocked by a real answer because we are so used to hearing the fake response, "I'm good." I think what is more tragic is that as an audience, we accept that answer as opposed to searching deeper. We have become shallow in our responses and our listening. I am a culprit of this way all the time. I can give superficial answers or ask shallow questions, sometimes no questions at all.

Matthew Gattozzi Car Accident

I ramble to get to this- I had a terrible car accident yesterday that has me shaken up. Yesterday morning, I was driving east while the sun was coming up. The sun was in my eyes, and I could not see. I was trying to see what color the street light was. I was blinded by the glare of everything and ran over a guy stopped on a motorcycle. The motorcycle went entirely under my car and out my back. I stopped my car thinking I just killed someone. Luckily, there happened to be off-duty EMTs that saw the accident and got to the guy on the motorcycle. I think he rolled off, so he was not under my car. He was shaken up by the hit but ended up being okay. I was totally fine physically, but definitely not mentally.

Someone almost died.

I almost killed someone.

In one moment, my career, my life, and everything else that I have worked so hard for could have been gone. 

We all have moments in our lives that jolt us. That put things in perspective. That changes us to the core.

Life is short.

Life is so freaking short.

At that moment I realized that I am not living the life that I want to live. For over the past month, I have been having a self-pity party. This self-pity party has created a lot of anxiety, it has paralyzed me, and I have lost me. 

I am not living my fullest life. 

Things happen. Stuff happens all the time as I said before. People get fleas all the time. People's cars break all the time. People's love lives are usually less fortunate than more successful. 

What is important, is not what cards we are dealt with but how we play them. 

I have complained a lot recently. Some would argue that I have good reason to do so with all the random, unfortunate things happening over this past month. By complaining, I have lost myself from living in the presence of the now. 

When I got out of my car, nothing mattered. All the thousands of hours of training did not matter. All the money I saved to buy that car, did not matter. Nothing. Mattered. Except. My life and that guy's life. 

Pure survival.

Life.

Oh so sweet, yet can be gone in a second.

For me, I am given a second chance.

I cannot put into words how lucky I am to not have to go to jail or live on a conscience that I killed another person. I do not know why I am given a chance to live free. I do not understand why I am not hurt and protected. 

As I sat in my room for hours replaying this moment in my mind, I saw that this moment should never be taken for granted. I am determined to live a life that is full, risk-taking, grateful, and genuine. I want to go to sleep every night proud of myself and what I have done that day. I get to dance. I get to teach. I get to continue to live my dreams. I have been given another chance to continue to live this life to the full.

So yeah, adulting is hard.

But.

I am going to take this life that I have been given and run.

Run.

Never stop.

Never look back.

Just run.

And be grateful.

To those that have reached out to me. I am forever grateful. I had people bringing me food, groceries, and even DUNKIN FREAKING DONUTS. Dunkin hardly exists down in Texas. People have called and texted me and prayed for me. I have been shown that I have a community around me that is full of love and that will continue to help me run in this life. 

Now it is time for me to go and run this race called life.

Ready.

Set.

Go.