Yo 2017 - What just happened?

Everyone is currently posting about how 2017 was incredible or a tough year and how 2018 is going to be different. There is a sense of hope in the statements from people. I love that people are hopeful. I have not rushed into making any proclamations for the new year for two reasons. 

The first reason is that I my new year starts on my birthday, March 22, which helps make my resolutions personal and less hyped.

The second reason is that I have yet to fully process 2017.

2017 was a unique year in my life. One that I will never forget. It was unforgettable for some high points and some of my lowest points of life. 2017 was a dogfight. I went head to head with myself. I stretch myself to boundaries I could not have imagined just one year ago. I fought for my life in 2017.

Here is a mini calendar of the year:

I started 2017 with depression. I was lost in my identity and my feelings. I was paralyzed.

I got help. I went through counseling and battled depression to the point where I was happy and confident. I continued to build positive thought structures in my life.

The summer was too much fun. After finishing my first season with Ballet Austin, I was able to teach and dance on the off season while growing as a person. I bought a car and things looked fantastic.

My second season with Ballet Austin started and things went down hill. I crashed my car, I felt uninspired, I got sick a few times, I injured my back and was taken out of Nutcracker. I crawled my way to the end of 2017.

Towards the end of 2017, I felt like I was lost everything. It was extremely hard to face the next day because I was scared. I was scared that something worse would happen. Life was spiriling down. I felt like I was falling and I could not catch myself. 

but i am here

i am right here.

here to write.

here to live.

here to keep moving forward. 

I want to be positive about 2018 because 2017 has easily been the hardest year of my life, but I am scared. There are a ton of unknowns and I feel out of control. I have been running away from mysled. I have tried to escape the the reality of the present moment. 

But this is my stand to change that.

I do not have any huge plans for 2018 except that in 2018, I am deciding to stand.

I am deciding to standup for myself.

I am deciding to stand even when I want to curl in a ball and run away from everyone and everything.

I am deciding to stand- because when I stand, I can be open about my life. The biggest higlight of my year was not buying a car or amassing any physical thing- it was my writing. I wrote about depression and this website broke. I was able to have real conversations with real humans. Words brought impact. that was incredible in my vantage point. I want to stand to reach more people with an open heart.

I do not have all the answereds. I am just here to tell you about my process in how i live. I am not a finished product. My writing is not a finished product. It is my thought process. This writing is my therapy. 

Thanks for hearing me be real. I do not hold back and I plan to not hold back in 2018 because I will be standing.

Worse things could happen in 2018 but I promised myself that I will stand. As I start 2018, I am depressed and shaken. I am beat up. I am hurting. I am scared. 

But I will stand one day at a time. 

Peace and love.